Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I'm bring sanity back

      All my life I had never realized how psychology ill I am. Disability contacted me. Enough said. My mother has been doing her best to have me apply for the disability. I refused because I didn't want to be a typical lazy housewife. 

      I have no children, so I feel all I'd do is clean and maintain the yard. People can have a full time job and maintain the household. So I should be able to too, right? Well if that's the case, why the hell am I swallowing myself in self pity chain smoking? 

      My significant other George Glass told me i wouldn't be taking advantage of it because I'm lazy. That it's there for people like myself to take advantage of. Maybe it took me months to come to that realization, but that's okay. George Glass read my hospitalization records, and said "Well that's an accurate diagnosis". 

      My diagnosis'
- Bipolar disorder
- Polysubstance dependence 
- Oppositional defiant disorder. My dad did always say I'm a rebel without a clue
- Anxiety 
- Rule out conduct disorder 
- Cutting & general self infliction

      Once you're discharged from a psych ward the only thing on your mind is freedom. Therefore You don't give a fuck about the papers they discharge you with. If my mother hadnt hung onto those papers, they'd be long gone in the trash. Thank God she didn't. After reading my diagnosis I catch my delusional thought, I'm eating healthy. I've been in denial my whole life...

      My mother is the strongest person I know. She has always been by my side. Every manic episode in the ER, never failed to visit me after I was admitted. I destroyed her home...I have flipped shit over the fact we only had jiffy pop when I wanted microwaveable popcorn. My mother is in terror from all I've done to her. Everybody who can deal with my crazy ass, they witness my episodes. It's never long before they can't take anymore and want nothing to do with me. My mother has always done her best to help me. 

      Mom I don't know if you read my blog much, but I'm sorry for all I've done to you. I'm sorry for terrorizing you. I cry when I get flashbacks, and pray you get to live the happy life you've always deserved. if it wasn't for you I'd be a manic mess or just like my cousin Jeremy. Thank you, I love you mom and I'm sorry for all I've put you through. 

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