If you're a reader of mine already, you know I've been building my performing arts portfolio. My first gig was just a few weeks ago. I don't want to be famous, I just want to dance. My dream is basically to become a professional circus freak.
If this were told to me as a child, I only wonder how I'd feel about that.
Honestly I've always wanted to perform for a living. 12-years of dance wasn't just shit and giggles to me. Okay fine, one year I hated Jazz/Lyrical and did my best to avoid it. Why did I avoid it? Fear. I felt too fat since puberty hit me before the other 11-year-olds. Tonight I have my second gig. Why am I blogging and not practicing? Fear. Not of the crowd watching. Stage fright hardly phases me. The crowd still does, as I've gained a bit of enemies and don't carry a weapon on me.
If only I could own a bladed hoop. All I know is this bitch right here, she beats ninjas with her hoop. Also that she's from some game called Soul Caliber. I don't play video games.
That's not my only fear. What if somebody in the crowd is a more advanced hoop dancer, and tries coming on stage to one up me? Kinda like this 18-year-old who attempted stealing the crowd by jumping on the pole my first gig. "My tricks are better than yours". She successfully failed.
That's not all. My man doesn't seem to want to attend any of them. Not because he doesn't support me, but he doesn't like the environment or at least me in the environment. I fear a fight.
Tonight is my second gig, and I'm not sure if I'm going to attend. The area and crowd aren't my biggest fear this time. It's another episode with my man that I fear. I just want to be happy, but I also want him to be happy
What would you do?