Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dreams vs fears



      If you're a reader of mine already, you know I've been building my performing arts portfolio. My first gig was just a few weeks ago. I don't want to be famous, I just want to dance. My dream is basically to become a professional circus freak. 


      If this were told to me as a child, I only wonder how I'd feel about that

      Honestly I've always wanted to perform for a living. 12-years of dance wasn't just shit and giggles to me. Okay fine, one year I hated Jazz/Lyrical and did my best to avoid it. Why did I avoid it? Fear. I felt too fat since puberty hit me before the other 11-year-olds. Tonight I have my second gig. Why am I blogging and not practicing? Fear. Not of the crowd watching. Stage fright hardly phases me. The crowd still does, as I've gained a bit of enemies and don't carry a weapon on me. 


      If only I could own a bladed hoop. All I know is this bitch right here, she beats ninjas with her hoop. Also that she's from some game called Soul Caliber. I don't play video games

      That's not my only fear. What if somebody in the crowd is a more advanced hoop dancer, and tries coming on stage to one up me? Kinda like this 18-year-old who attempted stealing the crowd by jumping on the pole my first gig. "My tricks are better than yours". She successfully failed. 

      That's not all. My man doesn't seem to want to attend any of them. Not because he doesn't support me, but he doesn't like the environment or at least me in the environment. I fear a fight. 

      Tonight is my second gig, and I'm not sure if I'm going to attend. The area and crowd aren't my biggest fear this time. It's another episode with my man that I fear. I just want to be happy, but I also want him to be happy

      What would you do? 


31 comments:

  1. yeah she's from Soul Calibur, I think the 3rd game was her first. I think I played her in the 4th game but I didn't care for her.

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    1. I attempted when I dated this gamer fanatic. He saw I found yet pic and downloaded it. She did kinda suck but I loved her moves!

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  2. Let me tell ya a little thing about Enemies girl. They are enemies because they are jealous of you b/c you're above them girl. You're doing what your dreams are and they are jealous b/c they have dreams and they are too afraid to do them. That and they are worried about what others are doing instead of what they want to do. You are way better than them and are living out your dreams. Just pretend they aren't there and Dance your butt off girl. You got this!!! You can do this. I have faith in you. Now you just got to have faith in yourself sweetie.

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    1. I've heard the jealousy comes with enemies part since a kid. When I read this...everything you said about them makes complete sense. You're a great friend Lanes. If only you were in Michigan...
      And I didn't go. Fought with the boyfriend. who played mind games.
      "If we go and I get pulle over for expired tags that's on you bitch"
      "We aren't going now? Ugh. Not my problem I have you the chance".
      (20-minutes after I was supposed to be on stage. We as in he drops me off and skids out like last time)
      I'll talk more privately with you on that.

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  3. Oh girl. I think you should attend! You are a creative soul and you must share your art with others. I know as much fear as you have, you would always regret it if you did not dance. I'm so sorry you don't have more support there! Wish I lived closer - I would totally come watch and cheer you on! xxoo

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    1. Awwww...that means so much.
      I do too..thanks for supporting me though all this.

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  4. I would have to know much more to have an opinion about your man's feelings. If you are in a dangerous situation, I agree with him. I can understand the urge to perform. I took dance growing up and loved it. I've channeled it in of all things exercise. Even though I am almost 60, I still enjoy movement.

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    1. Well keep on dancing girl! What classes were you involved in?

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  5. I hope you ended up going!! Sorry about your man :( I feel like partners should want us to do what makes them happy. Did he not know about your dreams before things got serious? As long as you're not in a dangerous situation then I think he shouldn't worry! Good luck!!

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    1. He adored my dancing months before he got with me...he's changed a lot. Not a dangerous environment, it was LGBT (the Detroit gender blender), so he threw a fit about his opinion and how he's uncomfortable around them.

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  6. There's a book called "feel the fear and do it anyway." I think that's a good life motto. But I feel your pain. I'm terrified of public speaking and people are constantly urging me to do it. It doesn't make me happy...in fact, it makes me miserable. But if it were something I were passionate about, I'd do it even if it meant getting up in front of a crowd. Think of the regrets you'll have when you're old like me!

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    1. Older than I am, you're not old!
      Thanks for the support. I'll have to look into that book.

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  7. You seem passionate about this. You will regret it later if you don't see where it goes, I bet.

    I come from a culture where the women are always supposed to listen to what some man in our life says. But I know that I have to test my own limits. Otherwise, I'll always kick myself.

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    1. You're a strong hearted young woman! I regret not going yesterday. Woke up miserable. Now I'm working at finding aspiring photographers to get that portfolio fatter!
      Today at a head shop an Arabic man was playing your kinda music. He told me "Now go belly dance for your man!" Reminded me of you. Haha.

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  8. I guess one thing to remember is that everyone's afraid. Even those enemies. There are those who admit they're afraid and those who are lying. Doing anything in public is nerve wracking, especially if it's something you're passionate about. Another thing to remember is that the more you do it (in public), the less you'll worry about it. When we first started teaching writing classes/speaking to schools, we were both terrified. Now we're only mildly terrified. That's improvement!

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    1. The more you do it, the less nerve wracking for sure. I just take my glasses off so I can't see (and they don't fly off). That technique may not be as beneficial when it comes to teaching writing and speaking haha.

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  9. That's a tough one and I honestly don't know what I'd do. Go with your gut?
    Shoes to Shiraz

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    1. I did so, when I should have followed my heart. Like Mulan. Haha..

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  10. I hope you went. My husband didn't "approve" of a couple of things I did and now I regret not standing up for myself.........those things...? Working at a Rescue Squad as a dispatcher and becoming an EMT-B times three.....I took the class, but never got to "run"

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    1. I keep telling myself if I let him or anybody stop me now, I'll never reach the top. With as many ways I can go about building a portfolio I've been switching it up. Currently looking for aspiring photographers. Can't meet with them alone, so he can't play mind games about going and decide to ditch me last minute.
      You can still accomplish your resque squad goals! You said you already have the education. Just push yourself and get out there!

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  11. So......what happened...I know how tough the choice can be.....

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    1. Tracy you really should start blogging again. I'd love to learn more about you and what you're goals and struggles are. Then of course give you my unbiased input like you do for me!

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  12. Dancing with a bladed hoop sounds like the most bad ass thing I have ever heard.

    "My dream is basically to become a professional circus freak" <-- that has been my ultimate dream since I was a very small child. Not even a freak, just running away with the circus taking whatever job they'd give me.

    Your boy is probably worried. I'd be a bundle of nerves too watching someone I cared about playing with blades. Hope you guys can work that out.

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    1. I don't have a blades hoop silly! Most dangerous hula hooping gets is when it's on fire.
      You know, as a kid running away with the circus was on my bucket list too. Just had no circus to run to!

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  13. I think you should go! Be brave, girl! You're amazing. Sometimes the things that scare us are the things that are worth it.
    Think of how many movies where the parents disapprove of their kid performing and then change their mind when they see them?

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    1. Exactly! I just want him to come and see so he knows how happy it makes me, how much the crowd enjoys the entertainment, and that I'm not there to party. If it were some good cash being made he would definitely think differently.

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  14. Tell him to quit being a sexist/misogynistic/racist/homophobic asshole and fucking deal with it if you get a gig that makes him "uncomfortable". He's an adult. Adults deal with things that make them uncomfortable. If he can't deal with it, then he can find someone who is just as afraid of certain types of people as he is. That's not your problem. You've worked too hard and you're too talented to let his misunderstandings of the world stop you from doing what you want to do. If his dislike of the LGBT community is stronger than his love/commitment to you, then you know you can do better.

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    1. Damn that last part makes a lot of sense...if I told him the first part it'd be an argument that swings from LGBT, to loyalty, to religion, to politics. Which it was that night actually (not shitting you).
      You know him and how protective he is. Makes me think when he wants to drop me off how much he does actually care. Wouldn't you want to keep an eye on your woman at a venue in Detroit vs argue about the type of event? If he read my blog I think he'd kill me. However reading everybody's thoughts and seeing them match up makes me think twice if I'm being a push over. Thanks for commenting yours, it means a lot seeing your input (obviously).

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    2. His opinion on religion and politics are irrelevant when it comes to you getting opportunities you've worked hard for, and he needs to realize that. Start treating it like a career. He doesn't get to pick and choose what you do for your career.

      P.S. forgot to respond to your text - we can do something like that when it's a bit warmer out, if that's cool.

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    3. I do look at it like a career. He doesn't. However I can't perform free forever or get in the habit of it just for exposure. So might go to a couple more and focus more on video and photography.
      Sure thing bout the shoot! Thanks.

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