Thursday, April 24, 2014

My second struggle with weight

      Recently I had to deal with ovarian health issues, and also happen to be put on medication (abilify) around the same time the issues were discovered. Both are a huge contributor to weight gain, and here I am 50 pounds later. Every day I wake up disgusted with myself. Let's rewind a bit. Once upon a time (2011) I weighed 230 pounds. I found love within hula hoop dancing. Two years later I dropped down to 120 pounds and was becoming a muscular beast. The end.
      Why did all of this have to happen to me? I don't deserve this bullshit. I'm at 180 pounds at the moment, and can't afford to gain another pound or I'll lose myself mentally. Since the surgery for the health issues I can't hula hoop or lift anything over 10lbs for a month! How in the hell is one supposed to get fit?! This is a living nightmare. I was where I wanted to be with my weight, I was happy with myself. I lost that. That's something horrible to lose.

      When I vent about this particular subject I get the same responses each time. I hate each one in a different way. The most I get is what people say when they either think they're smart or have no idea what to say.
You've done it once, do it again. 
Yeah. Kinda what I'm going to have to do. We have a captain obvious over here! Remind me again why I should have to?

      Many (and I mean many) of my girl friends are shredding weight rapidly. This brings me to response number two. When weight loss advice is given to me.
You know, the secret actually is...
Bitch, please. The secret is to shut the fuck up and do what works for you. I worked at Victoria's Secret, I think I'd know. The last thing I need is some wench who hasn't worked off nearly half the weight I have, shown half the progress I have, or been through half the hell I have to try telling me how to lose weight. I know exactly what I need to do, and one of those things is avoid listening to you.

      On the contrary, some come to me sharing stories about health issues that affected their weight. Whether or not it's a similar issue, this is the only acceptable response (when it comes to "helping") I've come to find. It's interesting learning about different illnesses and how it's affected a friends struggle with weight. I'm by no means saying I enjoy the fact another human is sick. In fact I usually get a twisted stomach when these types of responds come out to play. I feel guilt, because I'm already on guard for all the other expected responses.

      There is one exception. My step-brother's friend. She was my size now all winter, while I was healthy and in shape. We share very similar health problems that cause us to have weight struggles. The last time I saw her she had lost a lot of weight, so I mentioned she looked good. She's too vain to end it with a smile and a thank you. Instead she pulls up her shirt stating "I know, right?! I lost blah blah pounds since blah blah blah and blah blah blah". I learned that day no matter what size she is she'll never look good. She used the condo's I stayed at all summer to bring random guys to sleep with in our living room, has horribly rotting teeth, and is an extremely rude and selfish person. She will never have enough respect from me to look "good". To look good, you have to be both fit and have the right attitude. Not be a piece of trash who treats others like trash. Anyways, she has a list of foods that aren't good to eat with our condition. Her sister does at least. I asked for a copy, she continued to talk about herself. Don't know if I'm going to get that copy or what...

I had to vent this out. It's been eating away at me (I wish literally).
Basically, you don't tell the girl who lost over 100 pounds successfully what to do to lose weight.
You lost weight? Great for you
No need to flaunt it to the point you think you can help the whole world lose a good 50lbs. 
Even I wasn't that stupid or naive.   


  1. Yeah meds easily will make you gain weight. But you are still normal weight, methinks? And as you pointed out, being slim doesn't make anyone automatically into pretty. But I don't really think that to be pretty you need to be fit / slim, I know lots of fat girls who are pretty too :D!
    I think you def have all the reasons to be happy with yourself, looks (even if you aren't as slim as you would like to) and personality :)

    1. Aww, thanks Lara. <3
      I know tons of overweight girls who are gorgeous, but I can't grasp the concept if I got that big I could also be gorgeous.

  2. I know how you feel about the meds making you gain weight... I am not sure what your ovarian issues are, but I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 14 years old. I was super active in highschool until 15 (sophmore year) when the meds made me so sick I couldn't play vollyball, swim and play tennis anymore, and I went from 150 to 180 that year and have steadily gained weight since, plus I broke my leg at 18 and was laid up for a year, (more weight) and now I am over 230 and I hate myself because with the meds I cannot loose the weight no matter what I've tried lately.

    I know you have probably heard this before but great for you loosing the weight that you did and hopefully when you settle into the meds and heal from the surgery you can go back to hooping!

    1. PCOS is a bitch, I'm so sorry you had/have to deal with that bullshit, nobody deserves that! I had two extremely large cysts (I mean HUGE suckers), one twisted the ovary - and they found some endometriosis. I'm okay now though.

      If I could manage to go from 230 to 120 so can you! Trust me, I mean anybody can if I can haha.
      Don't harp on yourself so much, you couldn't/can't control what health bullshit goes on and just remember that you don't deserve it. I think it's the devil fucking with us, and we need to sweat it out of our pores before it takes over, drowning ourselves in self pity. It's seriously fucking bullshit.

      If you ever need or want to talk feel free to email me:

  3. Oh man, weight struggles! Weight was (and still is *sighs*) one of my biggest struggles. As much as I don't want to care about it, I care.
    I have a friend who suffers the same as you, she's taking corticoid becase she's on medical treatment, and the medicine makes her eat LOT, and she gained a lot of weight and she's freaking out.
    I always say to her: hey, really, those meds are keeping her alive and helping her body to be healthier, instead of hating the medicine for making her fat, she should love them for making her healthier. Same goes for you :)
    Anyway, just don't be so hard on yourself ♥
    I wrote a lot, sorry, I usualy ramble about this weight/health stuff a lot lol
    Hope you get to be happy with your body ♥ and in case you're doubting... *raises her voice and screams* YOU'RE FUCKING CUTE, NO MATTER WEIGHT :D
    Lottie x | Little Once Upon a Time

    1. Thanks Lottie!! I appreciate you sharing, don't be sorry by any means!
      I hope your friend finds happiness in herself also.

  4. I know how you feel! Let's encourage each other! I've been going on 5 mile walks.
    I want to do a boot camp sooner than later too!
    But, remember you are you no matter your weight. Don't shoot for a number. REALLY! shoot for healthy. That's what matters!
    You're gorgeous gal! I'm sorry, cause I know the weight gain is hard. Medications is not as bad as being a lazy-stressed out girl...that's what happened to me.
    Move to san diego...we can work out together! ;) heehee

    1. I totally will move to San Diego if you'll hoop with me!! Haha. I need a circus arts workout buddy.

  5. Meds don't make it easy for anyone to lose the weight or even just feel good. Sometimes they can make you feel blah physically and mentally. Weight is not easy to loose as some think, especially when you have meds fighting against all that you do. You just take it as you can doll, you look blooming gorgeous as you are already. Size doesn't matter, skinny people can be horrid as well as curvier people, it's the personality that is most important. But, if you don't feel good about it, go for just being plain healthy!! I've had two kids and kicking the weight is not easy after being all stretched out, I can only imagine what medication could do. But, you are awesome no matter the weight & you will kick the butt of all of this!! ;) xxx

  6. I feel ya. I went through the ringer with different meds(even off labels) when being diagnosed with OCD and I have never gotten the weight all off... Sucks a big one!! I think gaining with meds/health issues is the hardest to get off- at least in my opinion.